Why is it so fucking hot

Longtime readers - well, monthslong readers - will recall I dared to ask the question everyone had on December 9, 2025: Why is it so fucking cold. Well, things have sure changed for San Francisco because we must now ask Why is it so fucking hot.

San Francisco works best between 62 and 71 degrees. Below 62 and it’s insufferably clammy, above 71 and a heat-induced torpor sets in. So what the fuck is this.

84 might not sound too bad if you’re from Palm Springs or some other sun-blasted Devil’s furnace, but a San Francisco 84 is an anywhere else 105. It just feels ungodly hot. People drag themselves unwillingly along the sidewalks, desperately searching for some pocket of shade. I just took a walk around Hayes Valley and I looked like I had gone swimming. Brutal, ungodly heat.

Once again, let’s see what kind of lame-ass explanation the professionals have cooked up:

Ah yes, it rained in Hawaii so now we’re subject to incineration under the cruel gaze of an angry Sun. Just say a butterfly flapped its wings and that’s why. You don’t know and it’s obvious.

My daughter is the only native San Franciscan in our family and she has that thing that all natives do where they love to remind you that they’re San Francisco natives. She said, “To a San Francisco native, 68 is hot.” Well kid, hope you had fun doing your mile run in PE yesterday (SPOLIER, she did not). Serves you right.

Next in this series: Why is it so fucking mild, and Why is it so fucking raining.