You're making parking harder than it has to be

I’m not gonna post the whole TikTok video because I don’t want to embarrass this sweet naif who moved here 2 weeks ago and still hasn’t figured out how to park but here’s a screencap.

I will attempt to narrate, in some detail, the tragic tale she tells, and then we will ponder why Gen Z may not make it in this cruel world.

1. She says we’re going to walk to her car to see if she has a parking ticket. Now, I usually observe parking signs and have a general grip on the parking laws of San Francisco, so when I get a ticket, I’m either (1) genuinely surprised or (2) forgot to move my car before street cleaning. I think I’ve had maybe one parking ticket in the last year. It’s not that hard!

2. She says she’s in 2-hour parking because “that’s the only parking there is in San Francisco” and she’s been parked there for three and a half hours. She’s obviously referring to residential parking, which requires a permit and is not even close to the “only parking there is in San Francisco.” OBSERVE:

Look at that! Whole huge swaths of the Richmond and Sunset are wide open, permit-free! (And the Tenderloin too, for reasons I can imagine but won’t explore here.) But I’m assuming our newest bravest soldier has moved here from a cushy suburb and is probably in the Marina or Cow Hollow or Russian Hill which, yes, are all heavily permitted. So to her I imagine it does seem like that!

Speaking of permitted areas, I once did a post on me old blog about judging people by their sticker, which doesn’t apply any more because MTA got rid of stickers and now can tell whether you have a residential parking permit by TELEPATHY I think.

3. FIRST REVEAL: She knows about permits! But she can’t get one because her car is still registered in [REDACTED OTHER STATE, ok it’s Colorado, you could have guessed from that jacket] and your registration has to match your street address to get a permit.

At this point I had an idea: register your car to your new address! I did it when I moved here and it wasn’t that hard. But this was long ago and maybe it’s not so easy now. I’m just spitballing ideas.

4. SECOND REVEAL: She pays $400 a month for a parking garage!!! What on Earth?!?! Why are we even talking about permits and tickets and such if you HAVE A GARAGE! I don’t have a garage and I’ve lived here for my entire adult life! You have a garage and you’re parking on the street? LET ME USE YOUR GARAGE GIRL I’ll take good care of it.

5. THIRD REVEAL: “It’s too far away and I don’t want to walk there today because I’m only parking for three hours.”

Let me gather myself momentarily. You’re saying you pay $400 a month for a solution to the problem you’re currently facing but the solution is too far away? Honey, STANISLAUS COUNTY is too far away. MARS is too far away. A garage that you presumably booked knowing how far away it is is NOT too far away.

6. FOURTH REVEAL: She didn’t get a ticket! She got towed. Hang on and let me recline on my fainting couch now because I have the vapors. Do you know why she got towed? Was it for parking more than 2 hours in a residential permit zone? Of course now. I’ll let her tell you:

“I didn’t see the sign that said you can’t park on the street from 3 to 7 pm.”

Oh no. Oh no no no. Girl, San Francisco does now have the budget to personally text you whenever you’re parked in a street cleaning zone. (Although there are apps that claim to take care of this for you, if reading a sign is not in your personal zone of expertise.) I mean, the signs look like this:

I’m no Da Vinci Code style expert in symbology or anything, but even my addled brain can deduce that I am not supposed to park on this block between 3 and 7 except Saturday and Sunday. But Miss Colorado is just built different. To her, this is as inscrutable as a coded medieval manuscript. She could show up to the front door of the NSA with a pleading look and hope that they can somehow unravel the deep secret hidden within.

I’m afraid there is no happy ending to this tale. Colorado ends by telling us that she’s lived here for 2 weeks and her car has gotten towed twice. Ma’am, either sell your car or learn to look up.

Does she park in San Francisco?