Who's afraid of the HOA?

If you own a unit in a multi-unit building, you know what an HOA fee is. “HOA” stands for “Hand over assets,” no I’m kidding it stands for “Homeowners Association” and what the HOA does is collect money from you and then use it to pay for communal stuff for the building like the oddly mismatched chairs in the lobby and the buzzer system that’s broken most of the time and the roof. This money is called “HOA fees” and it’s on top of whatever you’re paying for mortgage and insurance and granite countertops and DoorDash.

OK time to come out of the closet: in 2011 when Real Estate Was Crashed, my sister and I took advantage of the situation and bought a 2-unit building in SF, one of said units I currently occupy with my small but sarcastic family. My sister used to live in the other one until she decamped to Tahoe for reasons and rented it out. I always feel guilty admitting to owning a house in SF but this place was trashed and they lowered the asking price twice. We cleaned it up and painted and hey, it’s fine. ANYWAY when we bought it neither one of us had any money left so we set the HOA fees at like 100 bucks a month. Later, we realized that wasn’t enough so we raised it to a whopping $400 a month which still isn’t enough but I’m not made out of money here and my kid is taking BASSOON LESSONS I kid you not and they’re not free.

I recently learned that HOA fees are usuallly more and in some cases A LOT MORE. You sometimes hear about HOA fees that are like $1000 or $2000 and you go “Damn, on top of the mortgage? That’s a lot!” But guess what? It gets WAY WORSE.

I first learned about how bad it could get when I happened on the listing for 631 O’Farrell Street #2101, a full-floor penthouse that would be great if you’re a silent movie actress with a dark past, a dead husband, and plenty of money to burn.

Nice, huh? 631 O’Farrell #2101 will set you back a chill $3,250,000, which is pretty sweet considering it’s near the corner of O’Farrell and Leavenworth which, while not the worst block in the city, is definitely Tenderloin and can be sketch. If you put down 20%, that monthly nut on a 30-year is gonna be right around $17k.

That’s a lot! But you’re just getting started because the HOA fee on 631 OF 2101 is $7159 a month. That’s right, on top of the 17k, you’re kicking in almost half again for HOA. What does that get you? A butler, a pliable if shy Swedish masseuse, and free cocaine? Not exactly. Your seven grand gets you “Door Person, Electricity, Elevator, Heat, Management, Recreation Facility, Sewer, Trash, Water.” What you mean, “elevator?” ELEVATOR SHOULD BE FREE.

That is wild. Just check out 2000 Washington Street #3. Truly a beautiful building, across the street from Lafayette Park, 3 beds, 4 baths, much much bigger than our TL hideaway on O’Farrell, and it better be, for $15,950,000. That’s an $86k monthly, so I guess you’re lucky the HOAs are only $5,283. (Hilariously, the listing notes the closest public schools like anyone who buys this has ever HEARD of public school.) I guess elevator is thrown in with the mortgage. PAY ATTENTION, 631 O’FARRELL.

But let’s get to the star, the highest HOA I could find in my rudimentary 10-minute search. Here she is, Miss HOA, 2006 Washington #10:

Why are these all on Washington? That’s where the Illuminati live I guess. George Washington was a 32nd degree Mason you know. ANYWAY this phat pad (3 BD 4 BA, 5700 sq ft) will run you a cool $24 million and if you have $130,000 a month to pay mortgage the HOA fee probably won’t take food out of your kids’ mouths, which is good since it’s $11,954. That’s right, for the monthly mortgage payment on a $2 million house, you can get “a 24/7 attended lobby, in-house manager, elegantly landscaped private garden, commanding porte cochre, and two-car parking.” I don’t even know what a porte cochre is, that’s how rich this bitch is. It’s been on the market for 335 days, so apparently the need for a porte cochre isn’t that great.

Incidentally, I believe the current most expensive home for sale in SF currently is 2990 Broadway, at $32,000,000 which looks nice enough I guess. No HOA fees because it’s a single family home so it’s actually kind of a bargain when you think about it!

But man, don’t think those HOAs go away at the low end. 177 Townsend #439 is only $439,000, which is like cheap as hell for an SF home, but the HOAs add another $832 to your monthly payment of $2300. Crazy, man. Has a pool, though, for those 3 days a year you can go swimming in San Francisco. Enjoy!