The Golden Bachelor, ep 9

We have finally come to the end of Our Journey and you may be wondering “what the fuck took so long” and friends, I don’t really have a good excuse so let’s just forget about it. But EVEN BEFORE our ending which Jesse promises will “shock you to your core” like good fucking luck Jesse, I’ve seen this show since you were eating Lunchables, the fucking Hollywood Reporter was out here blowing up Gerry’s past with some SCANDALOUS accusations. As it turns out, not only has Gerry hooked up with plenty of chicks after his wife went to the lake house in the sky, he moved one of them in! And then kicked her out when she got too fat and made her go dutch on all their meals out! Gerry’s a big fucking asshole, in other words.

But we’re about to find that out for ourselves because we’re back in Costa Rica and Theresa’s here to meet his daughters and granddaughters, none of whom look remotely like any of the others. Honestly, you could have just grabbed the first four handsome women you find at Dress Barn and you’d have this bunch. Hell, except for Jennifer, who looks like Gerry in a wig, none of them even look like him. Anyway, they have a shot of OJ, Gerry’s fave bevvie, and then Theresa goes off to trauma bond with the daughters about their mom’s death. I think they asked her if she and Gerry were fucking? Which, don’t do that?

That night, Ger heads over to see Theresa, who’s dressed up as a zebra and he’s wearing a hoodie and looks like he’s there to fix the sink (which, as we also learned from the THR article, would be in character, since after retiring at FIFTY FIVE he picked up some handyman shifts for, I don’t know, fun and to meet then-skinny chicks who look like they know how to split a bill). Gerry reveals that the OJ this morning was SPIKED WITH VODKA and I think this is the first time anyone’s been roofied on the Bachelor franchise and Theresa sort of laughs it off instead of being like “what the fuck man.”

It's Leslin’ Time! L gets the granddaughters for Family Visit which honestly feels like the B team. They ask her if she’d accept the proposal and she tells some weird hard-to-follow story about not committing before but she’s been married twice and she really kinda lost me there. No one’s sure about Leslie and then it’s all awkward which is coming across as weird because he basically proposed to her last time.

At least he put on a collared shirt for the night visit this time. They start having some wine and oh shit something’s up and even her fake photo album with shots by ABC photographers can’t cover it. It’s time to go and Gerry says “Be happy” and let me tell you the studio audience (because this is a combined regular/After the Final Rose episode) AUDIBLY GASPS. You don’t really say “be happy” followed by “will you marry me” I guess. So Gerry gets outside and breaks down on the stairs and gets his shit together and goes back and dumps an understandably distraught Leslie. She has a little menty b right there on the couch and Gerry says “I’ll show myself out” which actually made me LOL, what a fucking dork.

Back in the studio, Gerry finds solace in Jesse’s powerful arms and says “I hate myself and hate everything,” like come on man, I just call that “Thursday.” There’s a long section with Gerry and Leslie having a reunion and talking things out and whatever that I fast forwarded through because honestly who gives a fuck.

Finally we get back to Costa for the Engagement That Did Work Out. Theresa tells us that when she got engaged the first time to Billy, he “didn’t get down on one knee with an engagement ring” so I guess he just went to her tribe’s camp with three goats and an ax head and claimed his prize. Gerry will do the one-knee bit, however, following the traditional Bachelor script of “I’m not going you to marry me – ZING!! YES I AM,” but instead he goes “You’re not the right person for me to live with” and then Theresa nods like she’s ready to book but he follows it with “You’re the person I can’t live without” which is actually pretty contradictory.

Some pretty wild shit went down at ATFR, mostly Gerry thinking he could control what Theresa was saying.

Weird. Anyway, I’m glad this journey is over because I’m sick of Mr. Wonderful and all the BS honestly. Back to normal programming soon.

Oh, they’re getting married on fucking JANUARY FOURTH, live on ABC. They can’t do it on the 6th because that’s a state holiday in Indiana. BUH-DUM-SHISH