The Golden Bachelor, ep 8

We’re back! Did you miss me? I don’t do “The Women Tell All” episodes because they’re boring and no one cares. But now we’re in Costa Rica and Jesse’s here too and they’re sitting by a volcano and we find out Gerry RETIRED AT 55 WHAT THE FUCK. What did he do again? I mean, I know it’s Indiana and you can probably buy a house for like 35 dollars but still.

Oh, spoiler - it’s Leslie and Theresa, just like we thought it would be. Gerry tells Jesse he’s in love with Leslie but Theresa has a “hole in her heart,” someone should look into that!

Leslie’s up first. They’re gonna do some rappelling which sounds fine except Leslie has never been rappelling before and they’re going like 150 feet down directly into a waterfall. I sure as fuck wouldn’t do this so props to Les.

Dinner at the Springs Resort and Spa and that little horndog can’t stop talking about the Fantasy Suite. Speaking of, Leslie asks him how long it’s been since he boned down and he’s a little cagey but I think he says a year? Let’s get that person on the show, I wanna know how that went down. Anyway, Leslie is DTF and she doesn’t skip a beat before saying yes to the mess. Off they go to the FS and, being olds, it’s not 10 minutes before they’re talking about the thermostat and Leslie gets a 69 joke out of it! I didn’t know olds knew that! That’s our material, stick to Readers Digest.

Don’t forget, Gerry has another chick on the roster and it’s Theresa but homeboy is still thinking about Leslie and clearly not into horseback riding or picnicking or whatever we’re doing today. Things begin to perk up at dinner, though, and Gerry finally gets around to asking Theresa what the heck she does with her time. Turns out Theresa is a major financial force and is doing LBOs and trading and financing whole projects and Gerry’s like that’s amazing, I didn’t know girls could count. But wait, they both talk to their dead spouses? Maybe Theresa is getting market tips from the spirit realm. We get around to the Fantasy Suite and it turns out Theresa hasn’t gotten any since her husband died and she’s keen to change that. Damn, Gerry, save some for the rest of us!

Now that Gerry’s satisfied the ladies, it’s time to stare REAL HARD into middle distance and recap how hard this is gonna be. It hits different when it’s a mouth-breathing 24-year-old frosty blonde from Scottsdale who’ll probably get engaged on the way to the airport; for these chicks this really might be the last chance!

Finale in 2 weeks. It’s gonna be Leslie.