The Golden Bachelor, ep 6

It’s Hometown Week! That usually involves a lot of inappropriately prying questions from the annoying parents of the contestants but in this version THEY’RE ALL DEAD so instead the kids will have to pick up the slack. Oh here’s Gerry flying out of LAX dressed like your typical Millennial slob, put some fucking long pants on Gerry, you’re aren’t playing pickleball.

Our first stop is Shrewsbury New Jersey, which sounds made up and which I had never heretofore heard of but which is supposedly near the coast and wherein you will find Theresa and her daughter Jen who is unfortunately a little gummy and Theresa points out Jen’s “three boys who are also my grandsons,” yes that’s the correct terminology Theresa, what the fuck. We don’t get the boys/grandsons names but they look like Brayden, Jayden, and Otherayden to me. Jen and Gerry have a sit down and agree that Theresa is a nice person.

Jen hasn’t had Muppet Surgery yet. Theresa also comes equipped with two sisters and all the men are missing in this family. Check the basement. Keeps your heads down, Aydens, you may not have much time. Gerry and Theresa cap this off with a fun rollercoaster ride in Seaside Heights, and that puts me in mind of a Golden Bachelor/Jersey Shore crossover. Call me, ABC.

Next up iss Faith in “Benton City Washington,” like where do they get these places. Faith says Gerry might get a shock because he doesn’t “live in the country with coyotes at the back door.” Faith, I don’t know how to break this to you but this is a dog.

Faith has two sons and an apparently older sister who is - I’m going to be straight with you here - incredibly hot. What the fuck is going on up there. The two sons look like they made an exercise video involving a mat and some kind of rolling apparatus that’s advertised on late night TV. Anyway, they’re all fine and I kinda zoned out for the last part of this.

Stage 3: Minneapolis, finally an actual city! Leslie appears, wearing a little jumpsuit and harkening back to childhood, when, we quickly learn, her Dad dropped her off at school and then her brother picked her up and Dad was dead! OK, sort of a mood killer, Les. They go to someone’s SUPER COOL downtown loft and I’m like “I hope Leslie lives there, I’ll fuckin marry her” but it turns out it’s a “boutique workspace and social club,” I guess no one in Leslie’s family could be bothered to straighten up for the TV crew. Leslie’s family is extravagantly tattooed except for (as far as I can tell) brother Stuart.

Leslie manages to hold her shit together the whole time, which is breaking new ground for Leslie, and she’s in love with him and so is everyone girl.

Rose Ceremony. Leslie gets a rose and then WHOA WHAT’ S HAPPENING Gerry says a bad word and slumps over and he’s either having a heart attack or freaking out or something and we never find out who wins between Theresa and Faith. Stay tuned! It’s gotta be Faith, right?