The Golden Bachelor, ep 4

Hey, remember Trista? From the very first season of the Bach and then the very first Bachelorette? She’s old like us now but not as old as the contestants this season so she’s trucked in from Colorado and the women are all “is this the same lady from last week?” and no it’s different, shh. Anyway Trista is STILL MARRIED to the nonverbal firefighter guy from her season and she has some sage advice for the ladies, “be yourself.” WOW THANKS TRISTA.

There is a Group Date and this Group Date is fucking pickleball, which I know about only because a friend of mine’s wife tore all of her knee ligaments playing it and which is basically Dumb Tennis with ping pong paddles. People fucking LOVE pickleball and Gerry says it’s “part of his life” which, ok, and everyone’s hitting balls all over the place while “Joey,” who is in the next installment of the Franchise, stands there. April flops like a French soccer player and pretends to have a hurt ankle to get attention and it’s played as cute but really is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder.

There is, of course, a dumb and boring pickleball tournament with color coded suits and cringe team names and old people flailing about and it emerges that Sandra is missing her daughter’s wedding for this? Back at Shady Acres, Gerry is now toasting with a clear liquid at least instead of orange juice and he gets Sandra alone and wants to know - a little accusatorially, actually! - why Sandra is on this dumb show and not at her daughter’s wedding. Sandra says her daughter said it was ok and together the two of them jab at an iPhone until they somehow get Facetime to work and talk to Sandra’s daughter and her husband who it appears are being held in a secure location and treated well.

Nbd I guess, Sandra, maybe she’ll have two weddings like I did and you can go to the second one (unlike my Mom, oh sorry I forgot I wasn’t in therapy for a second).

Time for some drama! Or what passes for drama. Kathy gets Theresa alone and starts bitching at her again and telling her she shouldn’t talk so much, like look in the mirror. I can’t explain it but Kathy has the most grandmother energy of anyone on this show. Anyway, Sandra gets the Sympathy Rose.

Solo date with Leslie, who is definitely one of the frontrunners. She’s a real sad sack who’s been “hurt and abandoned” and hasn’t been in a relationship for 22 years, which is like, damn, this is starting to look like a Leslie problem. Anyway, they go ATVing and hop in the portable hot tub and knock back some champs which actually isn’t safe at their age.

Shit’s getting weird at the pre-rose because Ger is handing out a hunk of quartz to Susan for “empathy” and “strength” but that’s Wellbutrin you’re thinking of my man, not a rock. Sandra is bedridden for some reason and Nancy is wearing a orthopedic boot because it appears she sustained a “stress fracture” playing pickleball SEE I TOLD YOU but the irony is she is literally GETTING THE BOOT because Gerry tells her he’s not feeling it and she leaves, see what I did there! The boot?

OK sorry. Rose ceremony. It’s basically a Kathy-Theresa cage match and you know who will emerge alive from that. Gerry is basically as conflict-averse as a wispy Victorian boy with rickets so Kathy must be shown the door, she’s basically shit stirring in a dress. Kathy is the type of grandma who would tell daughter 1 that daughter 2’s kids are better behaved. Kathy will fight with you over a parking space at Albertson’s and ask store clerks “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting.” She says the right things on the way out but we know how she feels.

So! We’re down to the last five and Gerry “wants to find a woman I can’t live without” but I mean it’s basically Muttville for people, you’re adopting a senior dog here Gerry so “live without” doesn’t mean much. Pick whoever you want to go on cruises with.