The Golden Bachelor, ep 2

Quick question, why is it spelled “Gerry” but pronounced “Gary” and not “Jerry”? Is this like an old person thing I don’t know about or is his name Garald or Graphic Interchange Erry? Seems sus.

OK, following all the beats of the regular Bachelor show, we get the ladies over to the Manion and immediately give them (1) booze and (2) bunk beds which is risky under ideal conditions but with this, um, modified show I hope ABC has good insurance. Then here comes Jesse with the first date card and they’re like “What’s that, is it a calling card from a gentleman suitor” and Jesse’s like it’s a fucking Date Card, like have any of you seen the show? Anyway Theresa gets the nod.

Theresa seems sweet but she’s got a mouth that completely bisects her face, like an age-progressed Janice from the Muppets. She was a child war bride who married “Billy” who went to war (Vietnam, not a number war, stop what you’re thinking) and came back. Gary Gerry’s driving a classic car and going 35 on the freeway and panicking because the “headlights don’t work” and it’s all got a “Jane stop this crazy thing” vibe. They roll up to “Cadillac Jack’s,”which appears to be a faux 50’s diner but which is in fact a filming set that poses as a diner. Keep this in mind, because it’s foreshadowing for some very disturbing business later. (BTW, the headlights looked fine when Gerry pulled in, get those contacts checked Ger.)

Theresa tells a sad tale of losing her husband to a kidney thing and DAMN she should let him talk too, Theresa is a talker! They’re really getting along, and they agree, DEATH IS NEAR.

Now comes the disturbing part. “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on and it’s not clear whether Gerry and Theresa have ever heard the song but suddenly the entire staff and patrons of Cadillac Jack’s - which, remember, is a set and not a real place - burst into a dance number to the song, which G&T are obligated to join in. I can only imagine that your Cringe Tolerance must go through the roof by the time you hit 65 because this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced and I’m not even there.

Hewing true to the Bachelor format we all love, next is a Group Date with about a dozen of them. Let’s keep the Cringe Meter bouncing in the red, because apparently we’re all dressing up in costumes for a “romance novel photo shoot” and most of the ladies are into it but Leslie kind of bitches the whole time that she didn’t get the outfit she wanted and it’s kind of killing her Zen Mother ommmm vibe and then Nancy has a breakdown because she hasn’t worn a wedding dress since the day she got married and her husband died 12 years ago and - wait, 12 years? Maybe this isn’t the best show for you Nancy and maybe some therapy would be good.

Anyway I’m hoping it’s a scheme because it gets Nancy some one-on-one time with Gerry who wants to know why her vibe is fucked and she tells him the story and guess what his spouse is dead too and it’s not wedding dresses that get Ger in his feelings it’s something called “cinnamon balls” so let’s move on.

Leslie, now recovered from the costume fiasco, comes out as a fellow hearing aid wearer and once again that’s not something you get on the regular Bachelor. They have a weird conversation that seems like Gerry is trying to find out if she fucks and says she has “a soft gooey inside” which I guess we all do if you think about it. Then he whispers something to her that she giggles about and won’t reveal but it’s probably just something like “You’re prettier than a gol-durn kitten in a tutu.”

Of course Nancy gets the date rose so her evil plan worked, but thankfully Leslie is SO HAPPY FOR HER.

You can tell.

It’s Gerry’s birthday so he heads over to Mature Mansion for a relatively sedate cocktail party. Everyone’s shooting their shot, which for this crowd is a lot of dead husband stories! Gerry has to tilt his head so often he’s gonna need an adjustment. Well, everyone excepts Faith, who chooses to go with the Nature Girl strategy and says she likes to drink from the hose and “swim in a horse trough”? What? Is that a thing? Sounds gross. This is gonna get you maybe a bacterial infection, Faith, not a man.

OK let’s get to the Rose Ceremony. April says she will “kill him” if she doesn’t get a rose. April is a therapist! Good Lord, what is she telling her clients. “If he doesn’t want to get back together with you, that doesn’t lessen your worth as a person! Also, you should sneak up behind him and slit his fucking throat.” Luckily, she gets one so the bodies don’t hit the floor. TONIGHT.

The losers are all hugging and talking about exchanging numbers and you know they’re all going on a cruise together next year.

Natascha says the smartest thing anyone has said on this show on her way out the door:

See you next week.