The Golden Bachelor, ep 1

You know, I was all set to make fun of this whole thing with the AARP Bachelor and the spectacle of the very people who ruined American society doing a dating show and then I watched the first episode and all the Nonnas are so sweet and I almost said I can’t do this, I can’t make fun of these people.

ALMOST.

Then I remembered I’m an asshole and I could make fun of almost anyone in any situation and have and I got the fuck over myself and got to work. Hi, I’m TK, and I spent valuable years in the prime of my life mocking 20-somethings (and people who lied and said they were 20-somethings) for doing this and there’s no reason I can’t mock Boomers for doing it too.

Gerry is 71 years old, which means he could plausibly remember the Beatles on Ed Sullivan and being racist out in the open. He is from “Indiana USA” as the subtitle helpfully tells us and I bet you a million dollars he voted for Trump. He looks like Ron Perlman crossed with Andy Dick, or maybe like the Dad who calls you “sport” and wants to “have a catch” and doesn’t believe his son is gay. Sadly, his wife died right after they retired and bought their vacation home so now he’s ready to install a new chick at the lakeside. Let’s meet ‘em!

As is the custom in these parts, the ladies pull up to the LA mansion with the freshly hosed down driveway in a limo and first one out is Edith, 60, and NGL, she is kind of an arctic fox! Sort of an Emmylou Harris kind of vibe. Ok, maybe this won’t be as gross as I thought!

Whoops, spoke too soon. Ellen, 71, thinks Gerry has a “lot of spunk.” I doubt it, Ellen. But come to think of it, no one’s getting accidentally knocked up in this crowd! Sandra, 75, is from Atlanta and does some Zen thing that involves her getting bleeped out and I think her mantra is “Fuuuuuuuuuuckkk” which is cool cause that’s mine too. Leslie, 64, used to date Prince and was “married twice for 7 years” but it’s unclear if she married the same person for two 7-year stints or just likes being married for 7 years or if one of them was Prince. She has to be an early frontrunner because she has the kind of Active Lifestyle you see in ads for arthritis medications and seems liberal which will lead to some good arguments about whether Mexicans should be shot at the border or not! Faith says she’s “not dead yet” which automatically makes her one of the frontrunners.

So we do the usual big gathering in the mansion and they gave them wine, which mildly surprises me because they could die! Our lovable host Jesse Palmer is back and he promises us a “night none of us are ever going to forget” and I’m not so sure about that Jesse! Read the room!

Did I mention the premiere was only an hour? Usually Bachelor/ette premieres are two hours which is a total grind but I bet ABC knew that Susan and Mike wouldn’t stay awake for two hours and frankly I’m really glad it’s only an hour because I’m old too now.

This brings up an interesting point: who is this show for? I mean, is the target demo the usual brain-damaged 25 year olds who watch the regular show or are they trying to bring in zesty seniors who drive Mini Coopers and buy premade margaritas when they’re ramming their cart into you at Safeway? I don’t know, what do I look like, the marketing team at ABC?

One thing hasn’t changed - chicks going “could I borrow you for a minute?” and then doing something weird to the Bach. Faith sings at him with her guitar. Missed a great opportunity to introduce Gerry to “Wonderwall” but instead it’s a not very good song of her own composition. Then “Lil Boo Thang” by Paul Russell inexplicably comes on and everyone dances and that’s the rough equivalent of people on the regular show dancing to “Baby Shark.” What is happening.

Someone elbow me, we’re back from commercial. OK. Theresa is the only one playing to type because she has a two-page single spaced missive she wants to read like she’s at comment time at a town council meeting. Luckily Gerry doesn’t have time for that shit because he produces a 70th birthday cupcake for her and they make out. I can hear their dry ass lips clicking together like parrot beaks from over here.

The Rose Ceremony is largely anticlimactic mostly because the cuts are ladies who haven’t gotten any camera time. Gerry does a toast with the girls but he’s drinking orange juice because you can’t mix Metamucil into bargain priced chardonnay. Am I going to do a lot of old jokes? I am.