Maybe big business isn't so bad after all!

Look, I hate Giant Megacorp Inc. just as much as the next guy. I almost participated in Buy Nothing Friday except was almost out of gas and my corner store guy doesn’t sell 87 octane unleaded so I had to give money to Chevron, which is unquestionably evil, so I’m sorry about that. But, it pains me to say, American corporations did right by me in two ways last week, so credit where credit is due.

WAY ONE

A few weeks ago I went to my local bank - let’s call it Shmells Shmargo - to withdraw some cash because I planned on visiting a local small business that prefers to transact in cash wink wink, and the small parking lot of said bank was uncomfortably crowded and a Tesla of course was coming towards me and I think the lady drinving thought I was gonna take her parking space so she did that Old White Lady “NO NO” finger wag at me and I did a sarcastic “have at it” wave towards the spot. I parked somewhere else and went to the ATM. Before I could do anything I heard a guy yelling behind me and I turned around and it was an old dude with a gold necklace and he was pissed. He looked like the old guy with the record collection from that episode of Seinfeld.

“HEY!!” he said, “DID YOU GIVE MY WIFE THE FINGER????” I was confused at first and then saw he had emerged from the Old Lady Tesla and I almost laughed because even if I did, what are you gonna do, throw a Werther’s candy at me? I’m not like a MMA fighter or anything but even I could have laid this dude out with a gentle push. “Nope,” I said, and started withdrawing the money.

This old rooster wasn’t even done! “YOU SURE YOU DIDN’T GIVE MY WIFE THE FINGER?” I turned around and I was like “No, I didn’t give your wife the finger. Fuck.” He grumbled back towards the only person in this scenario who actually did use a finger offensively and I, being ther absent minded type, walked away with five crisp $20s still fluttering in the ATM.

I was about 15 blocks away when I realized what I’d done. I immediately turned around and went back and guess what? The money was still there! No, of course it wasn’t still there, this isn’t Japan or one of those weird societies with no theft. Someone smarter than me was $100 richer. I cursed myself and went about my business, soothed by my eventual purchase from the all-cash store.

WELLLLL about two or three weeks later I get a letter from Shmells Shmargo and it says something like “Hey valued customer, we think you accidentally left money in the ATM so we put a cool $100 on your books. Thank us later, airhead.” And I checked and they actually did credit my account for $100!

Which leads to the question HOW DID THEY KNOW. Did the person after me take the cash and take it inside and say “Some dumbass left $100 in the ATM, I’m very honest”? I mean, that’s the only way this could have happened, right? No one watches the ATM surveillance footage every day to make sure the right money goes with the right person, right? Well, I guess thank you, honest person. And thanks Shmells Shmargo!

WAY TWO

When we bought our gently used car almost five years ago, as kind of an afterthought we signed up for a Service Plan for an extra like $20 a month, thinking it would help out if something went majorly wrong. We have cruised around for the last five years and nothing ever went majorly wrong, but big deal, peace of mind and all that.

UNTIL LAST WEEK. You know that little button you push to start the car? It was getting a little crotchety and sometimes you had to push it in just a certain way or fiddle around with it or whatnot so I took it into the shop and they said it would be about $300 and I remembered SERVICE PLAN which, as luck would have it, expires on March 1, 2025! So at least we got something out of it.

But then, as the Car Shop is wont to do, they called us and said “Your engine mount is broken lol” and that sounds really bad! Like $1700 bad. So bad that they had my wife take a video of it and send it to Service Plan. And you know what? On February 28, 2025, the very last day of Service Plan, Service Plan called our car guy and said “You know what? Put it on our tab, it’s closing time.” They covered the whole fucking thing! Ignition switch and engine mount and all of it! On the last day. Damn.

The lesson here is that big corporations are still evil, but every once in a while something good can happen. At least until Musk and Trump are done.