Gavin Newsom is the toxic friend you can't get rid of

You know the friend who totally has your back and would DIE for you and tells you that UGH YOU’RE SO PRETTY but also is maybe slightly racist and dented your car and then denied knowing about it?

We elected him Governor and he wants to the the next President.

I’ve always had mixed feelings about Gavin Newsom. He’s a Marina bro through and through, which is not my thing, and being best friends with the Gettys certainly doesn’t hurt in life. But then he got elected mayor and in 2004 he ordered the county clerk to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. I work near City Hall and I still remember the lines down the sidewalks and wrapping around the block, lines of joyous, happy people. It didn’t last, but it was arguably the single event that led to Obergefell and the national (mostly) acceptance of same-sex marriage. Later he backed an initiative to end the death penalty, which failed, unfortunately. But then when he became Governor he just up and went “no more death penalty on my watch,” so that was good.

Gavin’s humming along! Could he just keep being cool? No, not a chance.

(I am not really going to even get into Gavin’s complicated private life except to say he was married to Kimberly Guilfoyle of the Trump son dating Guilfoyles and he banged his campaign manager’s wife and did other bad rich person things.)

Besides his general Marina-ness and drinking problem and whatnot, we started to see problems when it was COVID and we were all hoarding toilet paper and eating Lean Cuisines and brocephus had himself a nice dinner at the French Laundry. Dude, come the fuck on. This wasn’t Marie Antoinette saying let them eat cake, this was Marie gobbling up a whole Fudgie the Whale in front of distressed and hungry peasants.

I ddin’t get exercised about this because it just seems like rich people shit that rich people do, but it was catnip for Republicans, who like white people stuff like eating at French Laundry but hate Gavin because he’s not super racist and doesn’t like killing people. It could have all blown over but then Gavin kept fucking up. He personally helped clear homeless encampments, throwing people’s stuff away and generally being a dick. Homelessness is an incredibly difficult problem to solve and I’m not sure what we’re doing right now is the best approach but neither is throwing people’s possessions in the trash because they can’t afford an apartment.

Then shit got real cray. Gaving started this podcast imaginitively called “This Is Gavin Newsom” and booked notable unalived right wing loon Charlie Kirk as his first guest. He had some normal I guess guests too like what the fuck does this guy do besides be on podcasts Scott Galloway and Ezra Klein and Sheldon Whitehouse but just can’t stop himself from also having rotting flesh suit Steve Bannon and elderly perv Bill Clinton. WHAT ARE YOU DOING GAVIN. No one is forcing you to speak with these repellent turds, you’re doing it for free and platforming some of the worst people in America. (His stupid reasons why are explained in yet another podcast, this time with Gavin the guest and Ezra Klein the host. It’s boring AF.)

BUT BUT he’s also on a hilarious bender of posts making fun of Our Idiot President’s style and some of them are legitimately funny. Like after FIFA made up a Peace Prize just to give Our Special Boy a treat:

And then when Texas redistricted at Trump’s command, Newsom pushed through a ballot initiative to do the same here and maybe finally get rid of Darrell Issa. That was very good!

So I don’t know, man. We’ve all known someone who is great friend coded but does some really shitty things. That’s Gavin. He’s probably going to be the Democratic nominee for president in 2028 and I’m scared that a bunch of people have been turned off by his many bad things and will just stay home. I respect that decision and also I kind of have the feeling that any Democrat could win in ‘28 the way things are going with the current level of lunacy. I wish Mamdani could run.