Farewell Jayden

Names, I love ‘em! The names people give their babies, and even themselves (I used to cover the name change beat infrequently, it was fascinating.) So it was a welcome gift to see the SF Chron spark joy with this piece, “Californians can’t stop naming their kids Noah.” Well of course they can, and often do, but the Chron’s point is that Noah is the only name that was in the Cali Top 10 in 2013 that’s still on the list in 2023. Without further delay, the Top 10:

Noah is #1! It’s not my fave, but I’m kinda biased against biblical names what with the atheism and all. Liam is up there, mostly because of Liam Gallagher, everyone wants a hard-drinking snot-nosed kid who hates his brother these days. I love Santiago, it sounds like the hero’s sidekick in an action-adventure flick. “Santiago! SHOOT HIM!” Julian, Oliver, and Benjamin sound like they’re having cocktails at the bar in a hotel in West Kensington. And I’m imagining Ezekiel is there for the Zekes, because on its own, it’s objectively terrifying. Imagine having to call someone Ezekiel. Ignore the wild look in his eyes; he’s receiving a prophecy from THE LORD.

BTW, the crazed prophet thing continues down the list, Levi is 20, Damian is 35, and Jeremiah is 87. (If you want to go all the way, Jesus is 83.) Also, MAVERICK is 69. Nice.

Let’s look at the girls. Olivia is just always gonna be there now. It’s the Jennifer of the early 21st century. All the girl names pretty much are super girly and feminine - they all end in “a” and sound gentle and pretty. There are so many Amelias already, how do we keep getting Amelias. Anyway, 7 of the 10 were on the list 10 years ago, so girls’ names don’t change as much.

Looking down the girls’ list, it gets much better and more fun. Evelyn (16), Hazel (36), Iris (75), and Ruby (74) are all coming back and can form a bridge club. It’s fun to see what old-timey names stage a comeback and which don’t. Like, why Hazel and not Betty or Helen? It would kick ass to find a Betty at the playground. (Also, when’s the last time you met a Susan under, like, 35?)

Luna is a dog’s name.

Boys’ names, however, changed a LOT:

Thankfully, we rid ourselves of Jayden (and, I hope, its -ayden brethren like Brayden and Hayden and the like).1 All the rest are really conventional! Parents were still going with Tony in 2013. And I thought the Matthew glut ended years ago but I guess we’ll never be free of Matt. So many Matts.

So what’s the deal with Noah? “It embodies the sound of the moment, which is very light and smooth, dominated by vowels. There aren’t many classic boys’ names in that category,” said Laura Wattenberg, a baby naming expert and author of “The Baby Name Wizard.” OK I guess.

Now let’s get weird. I don’t want to insult anyone, but people give kids some fucked up names. There’s a whole subreddit about it, of course! (It’s r/tragedeigh, lol.) That’s where I found this, a beautiful gem I shall treasure:

I don’t know, man, “Matt” maybe?